Well where do we begin. I am going to throw a word out. The word is......Jealousy. It can have a negative meaning for different reasons. But not always is something overly negative. Why am I using that word? Because I am dealing with it. Danny's girls competed at the Jay Cutler this weekend and looked amazing. Very happy for them. One thing I noticed was how proud Danny was of them. Posting pictures and saying nice things. That's awesome. That's what a trainer should be. Seeing them, I guess sort of my No Excuses teammates, even though Korie is the only one I know, look so great, made me proud to be a Danny-J client. But there is also a negative. It's that word.....jealous.
See, the problem is, seeing them do so good and seeing Danny so proud made me jealous. I want to be on stage, I want to do good, and most of all, I want Danny to be proud of me. I want to see her proud of my work. I know she is proud of what I have done, but I want to see her proud I reached my goal. I want her to be able to brag about me like she can brag about her girls. And that can't happen till I compete. What if I can't compete? What if I never get the money for the surgery to remove the loose skin?
Is it a contradiction to both be proud of them and jealous of them? Absolutely not. Not at all. Because I am proud of and happy for them, but also jealous. I bust my ass every day, I lost 120 pounds or so in about a year. I want my time. My chance to be on stage and feel both the pride they felt and the pride Danny had in them. I want her to write on her facebook page one day that she is proud of me like she did for Korie and her girls.
I will keep plugging away and keep hoping, but everyday lately I just feel farther away than the day before.